It’s pie week here at the Great Artists’ Bake Off, and the competition is heating — and, apparently, eating — up. René Magritte was eliminated after the judges discovered him snacking on apples from the supply cabinet and trying to hide by holding one in front of his face; alas, his efforts were in vain. Last week, we saw the showdown between Marcel Duchamp and bestie-turned-enemy André Breton, who declared a food fight among the Surrealist bakers before storming out of the tent after Duchamp attempted to smash a key lime pie in his face. Now, only six contestants remain. Will they slice through the noise to present pie-oneering bakes with an artsy twist, or crumble under pressure? Let’s take a look at their final submissions.
Marcel Duchamp: “Untitled (Fork With Concept of Pie: Remnants of a Meal Already Eaten) — Edition One of Infinity”
Starting off strong, Marcel presented the judges with a used fork resting beside an empty pie tin littered with crust remnants. “It represents the idea of a pie,” he explained. A nearby note, evidently not part of the presentation, bore the words “ART-WORLDERS I WOULD LUV 2 PIE.” Marcel stuffed it into his pocket once he realized, apologizing profusely. We’ve redacted some of the names for privacy reasons per the artist’s request. Overall, a bold presentation, if a bit underdone.
May Morris: “Autumnal Tree”
The unsung artist has done it again with this apple tree pie, bringing her exquisite embroidery skills to bear on a classic flavor and even dotting the surface with tiny star anise pods. Alas, we judges did not dare eat her creation because it was simply too beautiful to consume, but it was nonetheless a delectable feast for the eyes, just like May’s own designs.
Alma Thomas: “The Blossom”
I will hear no slander of this pristine blooming pie, graceful and clear-eyed as its maker’s oeuvre. 10/10. Another judge docked points because the petals had a slight aftertaste of acrylic paint, but it’s all part of the experience. What’s a little pigment in your pie?
Marina Abramović: “The Artist Is Humble … Are You?”
Donning a plain white bib, the artist sat at a table set for one before a pie bearing a sign labeled “humble.” Felt half-baked to me, and she didn’t even let us try the pie because it would “interfere with the integrity of the piece.” Meanie.
Maurizio Cattelan: “Indigestion”
This is getting ridiculous. Tastes like literal spoiled yogurt, as we anticipated, and the provenance of the pie itself is dubious (we’ve had some issues with the artist sneaking out after-hours and buying pre-made baked goods at the local Trader Joe’s, then passing them off as his own).
Yoko Ono: “Pumpkin Pie(ce)”
In an über-deconstructed pie, the artist hand-delivered each judge a lovely speckled pumpkin freshly picked from a nearby patch. “For what is a pie if not the fruit from whence it came?” she explained via an accompanying pre-recorded audio work. Touché, Yoko. Touché. Not much to taste here, but the memory of pumpkin pie is sustenance enough.
René Magritte: “I Refuse to Concede This Competition, By George”
Sigh. Despite his elimination, René simply cannot take a hint. His submission’s a bit derivative, mais oui?
